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Left is Santeri's daughter Laura and her friend Jenni.
Antti and Eeva, Päivi's parents. A typical Finnish lake-side view.
Santeri's parents, Marsa and Eki. It's midnight but there is still a bit of daylight.
A typical Finnish free-time hobby: washing your own carpets by a lake. Same self-service washing applies to cars, clothes, and houses. Finnish taxation has killed domestic services.
Country: Austria, Country: Belgium, Country: Germany, Country: Finland
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Brazil Bra$$$il!Tourism Guide For Brazilians
1st edition.
The original Finnish edition was published electronically on 14.2.2005.
This English translation was published electronically on 26.6.2006.
Special thanks to Mr. Phillip Stewart for assisting in the revision, and to Buenos Aires Club Pen & Mr. Steven Page for comments, encouragement, and ideas.
Dear Brasileiro,
Please bear
in mind that this guide is meant for Brazilian people only,
Brasileiros working with tourists. Do not show it to anyone else or
even reveal its existence. Otherwise our money-making machine could
loose its edge.
This studybook applies also to other banana states, as the Western
barbarians so often insult us. However, the writers disclaim all
responsibility concerning the applicability, as well as everything
else. You should do so, too. In fact responsibility is a useless
Western idea which demonstrates their naiviness.
Never EVER apply these instructions to our fellow countrymen,
Brasileiros. They are don't use to be used only for uncivilised,
foreign pigs invading our beautiful homeland, Brazil.
The Authors
Some Tips And Tricks For Small Talk
Self Service And Buffet Restaurant
Begging And Asking For a Cigarrette
Let's start with tourist watching. A tourist usually
wears a Brazilian t-shirt. If not, there should be at least some
Brazilian city printed on his clothing, or otherwise some strange
foreign words. He carries a water bottle in his hand. There is a
chronic lack of potable water at home. He is also gray like a zombie
as if he comes from total darkness. It is also known that tourists
wear tennis shoes, or sandals with socks unlike us. A very reliable
sign is a lost and frightened look in the eye.
How to approach this delicious target? Favour
short-sighted business schemes like, take the money and run. The
tourist is never going to come back. And even if he does, you will
never meet him again. You have nothing to loose. Bet everything on
the first contact and hassle every tourist. They are subconsciousely
expecting to be relieved of their money excess and valuables.
You have to understand that Brazil competes with the
world with low prices to lure tourists. Therefore you must support
this image by all means. Even though you make a tourist pay way too
much, make him feel it was cheap. This is especially important with
German tourists. Remember, image is everything.
We market Brazil as a place where happy people dance
in streets. Support this image. So when ever you hear some music, do
some dance steps. Otherwise tourists wandering nearby might get
disappointed. Also, this is a great business opportunity for you. You
can subtly insist for some money for the folklore spectacle you just
performed.
Our winning strategy in the global market is to
export everything as raw materials. This will eventually lead us to
be the #1 country in the world. Refining cannot be sustainable in the
long run, because eventually raw material vendors set prices and
conditions. You should take this into account when working with
tourists. Always deliver goods and services as “raw” and
unfinished as possible, even food. Our beaches should be kept raw as
well, with piles of algae, trash, and sewers ending to sea. That is
really exotic unlike the boringly sterile beaches in the other parts
of the world. Our national strategy will eventually lead Brazil to
win in global competition.
A few words of wisdom about pricing and agreements.
Never charge low or midrange prices. As a matter of fact price never
correlates with demand in business. For example, a Finnish tour
organizer Aurinkomatkat charges over 350 reals for a trip to see
Jericoacoara. The normal cost is just 30 reals for the bus and 80
reals for the hotel for two days adding up 110 reals. Despite that,
tourists pay gladly three times over, and the buses are always fully
booked. Tourists are unbelievably rich, and money means nothing to
them. A higher price is more reliable than a lower price.
With agreements and especially all conditions it is
vital to write them in Brazilian. Otherwise a tourist might
understand them and refuse to sign or try to change the agreement.
This is not at all what we want, is it?
Always smile and agree unless you really understand
what the tourist wants. This is important and also an integral part
of the happy image we try to establish. You will not loose anything
in agreeing. Later you can always blame misunderstanding. Smiling, on
the other hand, makes tourist more willing to let you have his money.
When you approach a tourist, look helpful. He might
have needs that you could pretend to satisfy. This allows you, once
again, to earn more money. Moreover, if you manage to make a tourist
trust you, he can give you a free smoke, a lunch, or even money for
helping him. Getting friends with tourists should be your ultimate
goal. As a friend you may rather freely share his monetary assets.
In case a tourist rejects your attempt to approach
him, be aggressive and rude. First, this might force him to change
his mind. Second, it is a way to train him. If he gets negative
feedback to rejection, he is likely to change his behaviour in future
encounters. So spare no insults when harrassing the tourist who dared
to reject you. Remember, do it immediately after the misbehaviour
occurred. Otherwise he will not remember why he is being punished.
You are free to approach him again the next day, because they think
we all look the same. Stupid, isn't it?
Do not speak English or any other useless languages
God has invented. It is your birth right. It is also an advantage,
because then you can easily blame misunderstanding and rip the
tourist off a bit more. It is a well-known fact that all the
intellectual people in the world speak Brazilian. The rest are not
worthy of being communicated with, unless there exists a clear
monetary gain.
When you must agree on some specific time or an
appointment with a tourist you should carefully consider our image.
The “mañana” culture we have marketed in
uncivilized world requires that you will never, not in any condition,
ever, keep the time set. Be late, be very late, and even better if
you never go. Just let the tourist call you and leave dozens of
messages. Or you might just laugh on the phone: "Oh meu Deus, I
cannot understand anything you say". This should do the trick.
In a hard case, just invent an excuse, no matter how stupid it is.
The tourist will never know or have guts to question your excuse, so
our advice will work rock solidly.
In case there are troubles, put the blame on tourist.
He stays here only for a short time, and he is very likely to give up
his demands just to avoid problems. Be aggressive, pushy, and yell at
him how he is ripping off our fellow countrymen and exploiting our
beautiful country. He has so much money that he can afford some extra
costs and problems. We can assure you that he will eventually
understand to give up and let it be.
Nevertheless, tourists are a useless pain in the ass
for us. But they can still make our streets a bit more colourful. It
is nice to see pale faces to feel yourself perfectly beautiful,
tanned, and handsome. Please remember this.
Congratulations! You have now learned the basics of
working with tourists. Let us next discuss small talk, which is an
important aid in establishing a contact with a tourist. In later
chapters we will discuss in detail the etiquette of all tourist
related businesses one by one. Finally, there is an examination for
you to pass in order to get your diploma.
Brazil's beautiful beaches offer a great starting
point for a friendly discussion with the tourist. No other country
can boast such a great coastline. Remember to underline this fact so
that the tourist starts to repeat the same mantra and strengthens our
national image. It does not matter that some of our beaches are
polluted, because the sewer system ends there, or because people
throw trash to the sea. These are minor nuisances that are not worth
mentioning to the tourist.
Recommend one of the finest beaches to the tourist.
It can actually be any beach that is a tourist target, no matter how
good or bad it is. Do this as if you were offering him a precious
gift in the form of revealing some secret information. Remember to
underline that this is not just any beach: only this one is perfect
for sand surfing, and has sand whiter than snow, and water like gin.
Remember to select the greatest tourist rip-off place, because they
are most likely to attract other tourists, and when there is a lot of
them they feel comfortable with each other. At the same time the
business will remain focused and tourists in our grip. The places to
be mentioned are, for example, Jericoacoara and Canoa Quebrada in the
North-East.
The weather is always a great subject for small talk
in all parts of the world. Fortunately no other country can boast
with such a fine weather as we can. Do not hesitate even to
exaggerate it a little bit. Even when it is a raining season, let the
tourist believe that it is a very abnormal phenomenon, and should be
over in a few seconds. If it is not rain season, never mention that
such a thing exists. Also avoid mentioning mosquitoes, since they do
not exist in Brazil either. If the tourist claims to have seen some,
look at him like he was insane. Ask him if he had a caipirinha or
two.
After a few minutes, when you have created a friendly
rapport with the tourist, you should be able to move on. Take a
protective attitude and warn him about robbers and cheaters, who are
of course your competitors. You should not waste any opportunity to
blackpaint them. Claim that you have close relationship with the
federal police, the mayor, the government, and other mafia. After
hearing this, the tourist will fall straight to your lap because he
is driven by fear. Brazilia appears to him as the wildest country of
the wildest west where people are shot and robbed in clear daylight.
Remember also to touch the tourist as many times as you can. This
underlines your close relationship to him. You are like the lacking
father figure in the strange, foreign country far away from home.
Germans are a good subject for a friendly small talk,
unless you talk with Germans. Everyone knows how shrew they are and
watch all the time prices trying to bargain. You can say that you
have had a nice day without any Germans today, thank God for that.
Then let a tourist know that they must have very small salaries in
Germany because they can afford to pay almost nothing. This will make
the tourist want to feel richer than the German tourist. He might pay
you more when the time comes. After all, nobody wants to look poor
and moneyless.
For Brasileiros it is recommendable to pretend to be
poor. This helps always. And remember that no cost is too high a cost
for a rich tourist. In his immoral home country he is making ten
times more money than you, so it is actually a moral obligation for
you to help the tourist to lighten his heavy wallet. Dress like a
poor man, use dirty clothes and smell bad. This will support your
story of being truly poor and needing his money urgently. He might
even start to pity you.
Try to shake hands, no matter what. Some of them
might try to avoid the act thinking, that because you smell bad and
have dirty clothes, your hands might be dirty as well. Just get your
hand out there and look at the tourist like he must do the same, or
you will get really angry. Normally you get the hand quite easily.
Shake it, get a little closer to the tourist and put your hand on his
shoulder. Now you are friends for ever, and you have made it!
Spit on the street while talking with the tourist.
Since nobody does that in his home country, he believes it is exotic
and cool. Soon he might catch up with you and try it by himself.
Throwing trash to the street has the same effect, try it! In his poor
home country they cannot afford to have proper street cleaning and
therefore it is illegal to throw any trash. Thank God and Virgin Mary
that our country is so rich and great!
These insructions are for Brazilians running a buffet
type of restaurant or working in one. Your basic business is to sell
food with a kilogram price or with a fixed one-time payment for
all-you-can-eat. In the first variant, food is weighed and the
tourist should pay accoding to how much food he has on his plate.
This kind of business does not exist in an uncivilized world, so
please take advantage of that. It is very important that you follow
precisely all the instructions, otherwise your business might perish.
It all starts with the plate. The tourist should pay
not only for his food but for the tableware as well since it is added
to the weight. He is of course not aware of this and should in no
occasion be informed. We recall one miserable incident which happened
in Salvador de Bahía last year. One German tourist found out
the trick because the too greedy waiter had added more than one plate
to the weight. Avoid doing the same mistake.
Good self-service restaurants are open 24 hours a
day, and have food available all the time. You may think that it is
hard to keep the food looking fresh and appealing, but you are wrong.
Just add, from time to time, a little bit of new and fresh stuff on
top and leave the old crap underneath. This way you will not have to
throw anything away. It is even ecological. Also, no one can know
when the food was actually prepared so there is no way to complain.
Food has to be salty. In this stressing heat people
loose a great amount of liquids and minerals from their body, and
they have to be substituted with salt and water. You have an
important role in maintaining the tourist's health. This also offers
you one of the greatest tricks in earning: selling soft drinks with
sky high prices. The price of a little bottle of water (330 ml) can
be set as high as 7 reals if only the food is salty enough.The
regular price is just 1 real.
All drinks should contain ice cubes which are made of
tap water because it is cheaper than buying ice. The same applies to
juices. It is unnecessary to sell 100 per cent juice. Add some tap
water. A tourist will not notice the difference. If he gets a
diarrhea, it is unlikely that he would come back because he is not
able to leave his hotel room's toilet.
When the pay time comes, add some things to the
receipt that the tourist has not ordered or eaten. The price is
nonetheless cheap for him, so he will pay it happily and even tip
you. If you suspect him to be greedy, you can ensure your tip by
keeping some of the change, or all of it.
A beef Rodizio called El Gaucho in Fortaleza (Rua do
Trabajaras, Praia de Iracema) has really refined with this fine art.
They make huge amounts of money. They simply put 10 times too much
salt to meat, charge 5 times extra for drinks, and even charge extra
for what they call “desert” (it is actually just a cheap,
grilled slice of pineapple served with cinnamon). You should consider
seriously following their fine example to prosper. We highly
recommend that you to make an excursion to this Mecca of rodízios.
But remember: do not eat or drink anything.
To the customer, you are a better choice than
self-service restaurants. All your food is prepared on demand instead
of being cold, crappy, leftovers from yesterday. Unlike beach bars,
your venue is not full of prostitutes or vendors hawking useless
items at tourists and making it near-impossible to eat there
peacefully.
As you can see, you have many advantages Therefore,
you can charge service fees, (called cobramos) of up to 10 per cent.
A five per cent fee is the minimum! This extra fee should be added to
every item. Don't worry - this service fee has nothing to do with the
quality of the service, or even with service at all! A cunning
Brasileiro will also add “taxes” and other imaginary
fees.
Use decoys and touts to force people into your
restaurant. Don't give up, even if the tourist walking by has
rejected your offering multiple times during the same night. Keep
trying. He will get tired of your constant harassment, and finally
concede to enter your excellent traditional Brazilian restaurant,
where you serve everything from pizzas to pasta.
Your should offer all possible varieties of food on
your menu. The menus should be written on the walls and published in
all advertising material. It does not matter if you actually serve
only a third of the items on the menu. The important thing is to give
the illusion of choice. A perception of variety will attract tourists
to your restaurant. When the tourist orders something you do not
have, just bring him something else. Very seldom will the tourist
return the food to the kitchen without ordering something else
instead. That would embarrass him.
If the tourist complains about high prices, tell him
that the listed price covers a meal for two persons. On the other
hand, if he does not ask for the menu, you can allow yourself the
luxury of inventing prices freely, but remember to make them high
enough. When the tourist has ordered and eaten the dish he has no way
to escape paying, no matter how high the price is. Also remember to
keep two kinds of menu available: one for the locals and another for
the tourists. The prices of the latter should be at least doubled or
tripled.
Some tourists may complain about the dishes or
service. In one of Fortaleza's finest restaurants, O Sobre do Mar,
two European tourists once ordered a rear filet parmegiani. The filet
was served well done since the chef was interrupted by his mum's
phonecall, and the filet almost burned. The customers returned the
filet to the kitchen but the quick-thinking maître
d' explained that the specific cooking technique used required the
meat to be fully cooked. The customers, who were not connaisseurs of
Italian cuisine, bought the explanation.
You can create an elegant atmosphere in your
restaurant by playing live music . Do not be afraid of the extra
costs incurred, because snobbish tourists will pay them, and more.
When the time comes, add a music fee to the invoice. Remember that
this extra fee is not advertised beforehand as it might drive
customers away. It is also best to delay billing the customers until
the music has started.
Small change is a steady source of income. When
change is returned with the money folder, always hide small coins so
that clumsy tourists will not find them. Point them out only when the
tourist asks, and make sure that he feels embarrassed. This way he
might leave you the coins as a tip and avoid the same stupidity
again.
Restaurants will always be needed because even
tourists have to eat. However, making a good profit from narrow
margins is a big challenge. By following our instructions you will
succeed against tough competition.
Brazil has an excellent
network of official, state-financed tourist bureaus. Their most
important role is to employ the mayors' aunts, uncles, cousins,
nieces, friends and namesakes. If you are privileged enough to belong
to this lucky group, congratulations. The work of an official tourist
guide is one of the easiest on earth. You just have to bear in mind
that when a tourist comes to the info desk he doesn't actually want
answers or help. He just wants to socialize. Therefore it is
unnecessary to have any information about accommodation, sights, or
any facilities available in your town.
In general, if anyone asks you anything, you have just one thing to
remember: there is no single stupid question. All questions are as
stupid as their sources, our beloved tourists.
Some
tourists can be a pain in the ass, but don't panic. If, for example,
a tourist asks you to make a hotel reservation, tell him that the
telephones are blocked and you can't make the call. If he asks you
something you don't know, tell him that you don't know and smile.
Smiling is obligatory – you do want to support the happy image
of Brazilia, don't you? Or if a tourist asks for directions you can
just invent a route. Just tell him to go straight ahead for ten or
more blocks, turn to the left and after the famous fountain walk a
bit more to the right. Now the tourist should be completely lost and
unable to find his way back to ask you any more stupid questions.
This direction-giving technique is actually used by all your fellow
countrymen, and so tourists are used to the treatment.
Freelance
guides who work on their own should obtain an official-looking
badge to assure tourists' confidence. Tourists are attracted to
anything that is state-driven or somehow “official”.
Europeans especially tend to trust the system more than they trust
individuals. So get a badge and show it to a tourist before you do or
say anything else. Otherwise you may be rejected. Don't worry if your
colleagues have already used this trick, because at some point a
tourist will get fed up and hire a guide. It works like fishing, you
have to wear the fish out before you can land it.
When guiding a tourist
around the town use your imagination freely. The Europeans are fond
of kingdoms and monarchies. You can tell them stories about Monaco's
Prince Rainier who has a winter palace in the town. You can even
claim that you just saw a glimpse of him when he went around a
corner. The tourist will tell this to all his friends back at home,
take a photograph of the empty corner, and he will feel he
experienced something special and unique. By using this technique you
may be able to extort double or triple the fee.
If nothing else works you
can initially offer your services for free. But after the tour be
sure to claim that this was just a misunderstanding, and demand
payment.
Occasionally a tourist will want to travel to a
recommended but remote beach, or just drive around the countryside,
and so will need a car. Fortunately, the complexity of the local bus
system perfectly supports the car rental business. There are only a
few buses going to the right destinations, they depart at random
times, and the payment system is utterly peculiar. Taxi drivers, on
the other hand, are all scammers.
The rule of thumb is to rent out only old and broken
cars. When the tourist discovers that the car is broken just tell him
that it's supposed to be broken in that way and it's ok to drive.
Eventually you will receive your prize when tourist returns the car,
or it becomes so broken that it can no longer be used. This is your
moment of glory. You may freely charge the tourist for all manner of
repairs. Claim that all the defects are his fault and also include an
extra charge to cover your loss of rental fees while the car is being
repaired. Remember to keep the tourist's bond until you have received
all the money you deserve. And don't actually fix the car because
otherwise you'll lose the same opportunity with the next tourist
using your superb services.
Don't have an office. This is important. Just have an
address or a post box in some random and remote village. You can
operate perfectly well with just a mobile phone and some
fancy-looking business cards. An office would only give unsatisfied
tourists a way to find you and complain. In the worst case they might
be able to pressure you to return their bond payment. They may want
to check that the car they rented was actually fixed, and verify the
cost of the repairs.
Demand all payment upfront and require as big a bond
as you can. This will strengthen your final negotiating position. It
will also make it a lot harder (read impossible) for a tourist to see
his money ever again. Never give a copy of the agreement to a
tourist. He might be able to take it to the police or a lawyer and
start a false case against your honest business.
The most challenging part of your business is to
attract tourists to you to ask for a car. On your web pages and in
your advertisements, you should put whatever ridiculously low prices
will achieve this goal. When a tourist comes you can then easily say
that it's currently the high season and those prices were for the low
season, or that you have just run out of all cheap vehicles, or just
blame the tourist for misunderstanding the advertisement. Trust us,
this always works. Naturally, you should later add a 10% service fee
and as many other extra, official sounding taxes, insurance payments
and other payments as possible to the agreed price. The tourist will
feel that this is just normal and he that should have known better.
And he will pay you.
If you for some reason get into trouble with the
police just pay them. An excellent example of this comes from
Fortaleza. There is a flat and car rental company called Sr. Evandro.
Evandro rented out a buggy for 3 days to stupid tourists but the
vehicle broke down completely after the first day. He simply said
that he had no money at the moment, promised to pay the next day, and
got the car back. Eventually he managed to keep all the money and
even clear the case with the local tourist police, who were alerted
by the stupid tourists. What a businessman! He used many of the great
tips we have just described.
The hotel business in Brazil has two seasons, high
and low. Always let the customer believe that he came during the high
season. Tell him that nearly all the rooms are full and the empty
ones are currently reserved. The tourist becomes desperate,
especially if he has a lot of luggage. You can then examine your
reservation book slowly, over and over, and accidentally find one
vacancy in it. Set the price of the room as high as you dare. The
tourist will probably accept it because he is afraid of wandering
around town with his heavy stuff, and that he'll never find another
vacancy without getting robbed. This is especially the case if the
tourist arrives at night.
In some small villages setting a price is extremely
easy as there is only one hotel around. Exploit this monopoly. Your
hotel is the only place in that miserable village where a tourist can
get any decent service. Or at least let him believe so. Tell him that
there are no other restaurants and charge him freely for some tiny
bits of chicken or meat. An egg and a loaf of bread will do for the
breakfast, or maybe just bread or butter. What a profit!! One perfect
example of this is Icaraí's only pousada between Fleixeiras
and Moitas at Ceara State.
We recently heard of a very alarming case which
happened in Salvador's Hotel Quilambo. A Finnish couple came to the
hotel around midnight. The receptionist asked for 198 reals for a
room. They laughed and rejected the offer. The receptionist first
lowered the price to 156 reals, and then to 134 reals. Eventually the
damn tourists paid only 63 reals for the room. They even got an extra
fan and antenna. The worst thing was, that this happened near the
time of Carnaval, when prices should have been sky high. I assure you
that we'll be in deep trouble if such behaviour becomes generally
tolerated. Never ever let a tourist truly bargain, just give him a
little discount so that he feels he has won.
The service in your hotel should be friendly but
passive. If the toilet gets blocked in the tourist's room and he
complains about it, don't react. If he persists, you can tell him
that a plumber is coming, but don't set a date or time. If we reacted
to all a tourist's complaints, we soon wouldn't have time for
anything else.
Another thing to be careful with is the hotel's use
of e-mail. You should have one e-mail address and advertise it as
much as you can. However, if a tourist contacts you by mail, do not
answer. They don't pay you for your wasted time, do they? They
probably just sent you some stupid questions to be answered and then
will select another hotel from the neighbourhood.
The fact is that without
hotels there could not be any tourists. This makes your business
unique and you a true Brazilian hero.
Tourists on long-term visits may like to rent a
condominium to lower their accommodation expenses. If a tourist
doesn't speak Brazilian fluently, it is extremely difficult for him
to phone private landlords. He most likely turn to a real estate
agency. This is a great opportunity for you, because a tourist always
pays better than the locals. You should tell him that he must pay a
higher price for the condominium because he is only staying for a few
months. A low price would require him to stay at least a year - which
is usually impossible for him, due to the 90 day tourist visa.
Naturally, it is always the high season, with its elevated prices.
Be prepared to quote several prices when renting out
your condominium. The first price and lowest price serves to lure the
tourist into seeing the condominium. When he finds the apartment
suitable, double the price. If he starts to protest, tell him that
another tourist has suddenly appeared, who is interested in renting
the same condominium. Or then again, you don't owe him any
explanation. Just stay firmly behind your offer.
One bad example happened in Fortaleza's Flat Center
before Christmas. A Finnish couple was lured to see an apartment in
Iracema. Everything went by the book until they went back to the Flat
Center's office. There the owner, Señora Vandea Sampaio,
failed to pass the flat renter's test because she eventually agreed
to the initially quoted price despite trying to triple the rent
afterwards. I'm afraid she is rather a black sheep among our
students.
At home, a tourist is used to the fact that the food
sold in supermarkets is fresh and the staff takes note of “best
before” dates. This is of course not the case in Brazil.
Supermarkets situated in tourist areas can exploit this fact to sell
double the amount of some groceries. When the tourist notices at his
hotel that the product has passed the best before date, he won't
bother to return it, but will simply buy a new one.
Always change your selection and introduce new items.
This prevents tourists from learning which products are good and also
makes them buy more to just test your new, great products.
At the cash desk, charge items multiple times. It
would be a sin to waste this opportunity. Pay change in at least two
parts and wait in-between times, so that the tourist thinks he
already got it all. They can't count, you know.
Tourists are never in a hurry. In fact, the more time
they spend in your market the more they buy. You can always start
changing the paper in the cash register or generate a huge queue when
a tourist appears. This way he has much more time to select things
and you get more money. Because of eccentric Western habits tourists
will never leave the stuff they have selected and just walk away, and
they won't complain about delays. Also, standing in a hot queue
waiting forever makes them thirsty, which gives you an opportunity to
sell refreshments. Make sure the drinks are cool so that you can ask
a much cooler price.
As a supermarket your business offers a good variety
of food with friendly prices. Unlike restaurants and bars who
constantly cheat tourists, your service is well standardised.
We Brazilians are famous for our generosity. If we
have something, we'll always give to others as well because shared
joy is double joy. Right? In return, we expect the same of the
tourists who come here to enjoy our hospitability. A cigarrette for
example is a good, small gift that you can ask from any smoking
tourist in return.
Unfortunately we have recently heard of an invasion
of tourists who have rejected some of our fellow countrymen
arrogantly. When asked for a cigarrette, they have tried to charge
for it one real. Such a greediness. In this kind of situation, ask
immediately all your friends and nearby Brasileiros to harrass the
tourist. This will make him feel himself threatened and should help
you to reach your aim. If he still refuses ask at least light, since
you must get something out of him, for free.
Begging is likewise easy if you manage to make
tourists frightened. Enhance your effort by carrying an almost empty
plastic bottle with a little of yellow sticky stuff inside. Then
every once in a while put it to your nose like you were actually
sniffing glue. This frightens tourists and they will be more than
willing to give you a real or two. This way they escape possible
robbery and loosing all of their valuables. Also, they will fear that
you might act like crazy and be totally out of control if they refuse
your kind offering. If you dare not to approach tourists or feel
ashamed we recommend you to start sniffing glue. There is a bunch of
reports from Iracema, Fortaleza, confirming it works.
We Brazilians are extremely hard working people. This
can be verified by merely counting the number of people who sell all
kind of valuables and necessities in streets. The assortiment
includes tobacco, sweets, jewelry, food, drinks, popcorn, stickers,
car antennas, cds, toys, and services such as massage, shoe shining,
manicure, prostitution (see page 1) and many more. The work should be
conducted day and night with as minimal rest as possible if any. The
fortune is waiting for you around the corner. How many Europeans
could do the same? We bet none concluding this from their four-week
vacation which they spend here loitering in our beautiful beaches.
For a street vendor it is crucial to circulate in all
major tourist areas. The first challenge is how to attract tourist's
attention. A loud scream or whistle, knocking your box, blowing a car
horn, or in general any kind of noise is necessary. Make it as loud
and suprising as you can. If the tourist doesn't pay any attention to
you, approach him and touch him utilizing all means we illustrated
earlier. Touch him on the shoulder from the back or from the front,
offer him your hand for hand shaking, push him. It doesn't really
matter how you do it as long as you do it to get the necessary
attention.
Push your products firmly to a tourist. If he says
“No thanks”, this means he needs more facts about
products and then a full demonstration. Keep on pushing. In Brazil we
don't have the word “No” and this is the reason why. Both
yes and no means yes. If a tourist still doesn't buy anything, start
acting a little more aggresively. Make him feel that your life is
miserable because of his greediness. Point with your finger his
expensive clothes and the latest cellular phone he is carrying in his
hand. Tell him that you don't have anything to eat tonight showing
your boney stomach and you pull your shirt up. Make him understand
it's his fault.
If this doesn't help, forget the politeness. Put the
product on tourist's table or his lap and force him to take it. It is
in reality the best intrest of tourist to buy from you. He gets safe,
well tested products that are delivered straight to him. He must have
souveniers he can show at home and you are the perfect source for
them. It's a well known fact that shop keepers are petty thieves
always cheating their customers unlike you.
If you have no products to sell and you don't know
how to shine shoes you can always act as a parking aid. Your offering
is to point good parking places, guard vigoriously cars and clean
them while owners are drinking in a nearby bar. tourists are used to
pay huge amounts of money for this kind of full service vip executive
wallet parking back home. Remember this when the time of payment
comes.
If even that fails, try robbery. Finally, if nothing
else works, curse the tourist to the Hell and show him the finger.
Say him “Sai fora” in English meaning “Fuck off”.
This should make him afraid and maybe he will finally buy or at least
give you one real or more what you deserve. Make him know you are
serious and this is your business. You have nothing to loose, use
that fact. If the tourist is same sex than you call him homophilist.
If he is opposite sex call him gay. This embarrasses him and makes
him finally pay you.
If you want to perform robbing, you should disguise
it to any other occupation described in this studybook. It is a
well-known fact that robbing is best done with some other activities
making it look and feel normal and natural. If you just rob, you are
likely to invite some trouble with the police unless you have paid
for them. Unfortunately our police has not yet been properly trained
for these delicate turismo matters.
One great example of success in robbing happened in
an airport. Our fellow countrymen disguised himself as airlines
attendant. He approached a couple of older tourists asking for their
passports and credit card for verifying the flight. This succeeded
bringing to our hero fortune and fame. He also managed to escape
police because the stupid tourists realised what had happen only
after some hour or so.
Please attend the separate robbing courses arranged
in favelas of Rio de Jenairo and Sao Paolo for further instruction.
This is a kind of art that can not be instructed properly without
rehearsing and practise delivered on the street.
Taxista is tourist's best friend. Taxis are secure,
fast and reliable unlike local buses where a tourist will get robbed.
Car renters are cheaters and besides, it is dangerous for a tourist
to drive himself in our traffic jungle. Especially after the night
fall. You can proudly call your taxi “Amigotaxi” when
approaching tourists, because they all must know you are their best
friend. You know that in western world people buy only from their
friends.
A tourist doesn't know the distances, places, nor
local price levels which gives you plenty of freedom and a great
opportunity. He is also carrying heavy luggage with him which makes
it very convenient to rely on your excellent service. He is a done
deal.
Usually tourists pay by the meter. Set the meter as
if the taxi was full and it was midnight (highest fare). So instead
of one or two passengers you charge for five or more. Then you just
have to return the meter back to normal just before you reach the
destination to avoid possible inconveniences. This works well and we
have received many reports from happy taxistas that have earned
fortunes thanks to it.
Some tourists might have learned to negotiate a fixed
price beforehand. You should set the first price extremely high so
you can lower it just a little bit to please tourist. It is also
advisable to change the set price afterwards. If tourist starts to
claim, put the blame on misunderstanding and be aggressive, that
helps. You can for example call that tourist a thief or robber. Many
tourists will pay accordingly just to avoid open argument in a public
place. And you win. It is actually a win-win, too. tourist reaches
his destination and you are one ladder higher toward your way to the
richness waiting for you.
If a tourist starts to bargain prices asking around
from nearby Amigotaxistas how much a trip costs make sure to inform
all of them about the price you gave. This way you will finally force
the tourist to pay a reasonable price and others will not accidently
sell the trip too cheap. This works always and pays off well.
When the tourist is finally sitting in backseat,
always choose a roundway. Drive around so that the tourist can enjoy
a free sightseeing. You can stop once in a while as if you had to ask
for direction. If you co-operate with some other businesses in your
area, eg. Hotels or Prostitutes, use the driving time for selling
these services and earn some extra. Remember to try to force these
services, because you are by this making a great service for tourist
even though he might not realise it yet.
In Iracema, Fortaleza a taxista offered to a tourist
couple to transport them to Iracema, just about 300-meter ride from
their hotel. This worked excellently out thanks to the total lack of
local knowhow of those tourists. They paid happily 50 times more and
got a nice 1 hour city sightseeing. How clever of him!
Cellular system must be complex in Brazil and it
should be practically impossible for a tourist to understand. Making
a mere phonecall should form a great challenge to tourist who is
trained to use some stone aged systems made for dummies in his home
country. The operators in the Western world simply don't know how to
make easy, big money. Unlike us, they don't have separate operator
codes necessary in calling. They also don't have a great variety of
phone settings which can change from one state to another. This is
really stupid. The best solution is simply to make things difficult
and charge for assistance and everything else, because there simply
cannot exist clear enough instructions in Operators' websites in
Brazilian for such dummies who don't speak Brazilian. Actually those
instructions should not exist at all.
Most tourists spend huge amounts of money using their
own country's mobile subscriptions. It is extremely important that
they should use our system so that the money comes to the right
address. Tourists should actively be offered local prepaids. The
system can be cleverly constructed so that after buying a prepaid
tourist is unable to use it. Different states should have their own,
incompatible systems. If a tourist has purchased some credit in
Pernambuco, it must be lost in Bahia until he first purchases a bit
more credit from the local operator. Underline the need of always
keeping extra credit in the prepaid by making the system so that if
there is no credit it will be impossible to even receive incoming
messages and phone calls. Connection should completely shut down.
Cellular system is not the only source of money in
communication business. Fixed lines need their share as well. This
can be ensured by not allowing tourists to call to any toll free
service numbers from their prepaids. The service numbers, as we all
know, are crucial for tourists since many airlines use them for
flight confirming. So, tourist must be forced to buy a telephone card
as well, or to use our cabins.
If a tourist wants some assistance from you your
Contact Center should close the phone immediately after hearing him
speaking English. We should only serve Brazilian clients. Otherwise
it will be way too easy. The catch is to have also contact centers
operating with toll free numbers requiring tourists once again to
acquire a telephone card. The greatness in operator business can only
be achieved with careful planning and optimizing the cash flow.
Usability just hinders the great money making opportunities you have
at hand.
Our crown jewel in the operator business is TIM. They
have implemented all the above mentioned best practices. Nothing can
now stop the money flowing into their chests in the speed of light.
Police is Brasileiros best friend, not tourists. He
should protect by all means the intrests of local entrepreneurs.
However sometimes police has to deal with tourists, and therefore
it's vital that tourists receive professional looking service while
Brasileiros are protected from the madness of tourists. Same rule
applies to all kind of authorities. There is actually some things
that authorities can do to earn some money and at the same time boost
our tourist industry.
When a tourist files a complaint you should naturally
process it in professional looking manner. Make all papers, remember
to put a lot of stamps and look like you were actually listening
carefully what tourist tells you. After that contact the Brasileiro
whose fault it was and call him in for interrogation. During the
interrogation, if Brasileiro does not understand by himself to offer
you money for dropping the case you can simply propose him to give a
little donation to your retirement fund. If he refuses, just drop the
case. If he gives you money greet him and promise to protect his
business in future, too. If tourist comes back to ask about the
complaint simply plea to so many open cases, lots of hurry and tell
that the person responsible, whose name you naturally don't remember,
is on vacation and will return only after the tourist has left the
country.
Don't ever allow tourists to change large amounts of
money (over 1000 reals or so), or open or use existing bank account.
This way you can make sure he will spend both his foreign cash, local
cash and all the money in bank account thru credit card purchases
because he will be forced to use his card. Also, he is likely to tip
in his own currency to save reals making the tips bigger and
entrepreneurs happier. If you let him use his bank account or have a
local one he could keep his money safe and not spend it. tourist
thinks, that on the wild streets it's better use the money quickly
than have it stolen. If you receive complaints about this just tell
about required CPF code and some problems with black money, which
tourist evidently has as well. If you are working in police make sure
to ask all possible documents, only original ones should do, about
everything possible to make it really impossible for the tourist to
even consider getting the CPF and ruining our florishing tourist
industry.
If a tourist spends more than 90 days in our country,
he has to apply for a visa prolonging. The process is made excellent
in its complexity by carefull planning and constant audits. It offers
ways to enhance employment in the federal police, for officers to
make some private businesses, and in general boost the utilization of
both our public and private service industries. How can this be
achieved?
Rule number one is to make a tourist come to the
Federal Police Office as many times as possible. When he comes for
the first time, he is usually wearing a relaxed outfit like bermuda
shorts. This is a good excuse for not letting him enter. We respect
the etiquette in Brazil and wouldn't be dressed in such a barbarian
way at the Federal premises. When the tourist comes again the next
day, you take him in but don't proceed with the prolonging. Tell the
tourist that it is either too early or too late to do that. You can
also claim that prolonging is only possible in some Federal Police
offices, and never in your office. If you work eg. in the airport,
tell that prolonging is done only in the city center and vice versa.
When the tourist comes for the fourth time, let him
wait in the queue. Make it hours. Please don't hurry at all, but
still make sure you look busy and imporant while tourist is waiting.
He should never get the impression that the process is somehow fluffy
and you are lazy. We authorities are perceived to investigate all the
cases with utmost care and responsibility. When the tourist's turn
finally comes, ask him to fill in a form. This is of course only
available in Brazilian and if the tourist asks for some help, act
like you didn't understand. After filling the form – if he has
managed to do it – tell the tourist to go to a different
building to get a new form for paying the prolonging. Point with your
hand to some unspecific place so that he gets lost (see also chapter
on Tourist info for giving directions). You have to set up your own
business of selling the forms required for making the payment near
the station, so you can start earning money by selling those
insignificant pieces of paper so badly needed by tourists. Neat,
isn't it?
If the tourist happens to find the right place, don't
panic. You can claim that the Internet connection is down and you
cannot print the formula needed. Make the tourist wait but put him to
another room so that you don't have to breath the same air with him.
By this time the tourist is likely to smell awful because of constant
sweatting in his long trousers. Then you can finally go to see the
tourist and say it's closing time. This way you can make him come
once again, and force him to uses buses, taxis and other public
services. Sweating is also imporant, because this will offer to your
friends restaurant a great opportunity to rip-off piles of money from
the water he is selling.
Now the tourist should be so fed up that he gives up
making the prolonging in approriate manner. This is your prime time!
In the airport make sure that a tourist who has stayed too long time
will have to be interrogated so that he misses his flight. This
brings more business to our great airlines companies. Then you can
set a penalty fee of hundreds of euros that tourist has to pay before
he can leave. Finally, when you stamp to his passport “deported”
you have really done it. This little pain in the ass will never enter
the grounds of our beautful home country again.
We have learned many excellent examples of services
provided in correct manner:
Banco de Brazil, Brasilia
HSBC,
Brasilia
Citybank,
Brasilia
Federal
Police of Fortaleza
Federal
Police of Fortaleza
tourist
Police of Iracema, Fortaleza
Airport
Federal Police of Recife
Federal
Police of Salvador
Federal
Police of Salvador
We strongly suggest to make excursions to these
places as well as all other places we have mentioned in this book for
seeing in practise how to deliver outstanding services for dummies.
Your effort is vital for our success.
The best place for a beach bar is in front of a
popular tourist hotel. The bar will then serve as a great
get-together place for the tourists who long for social contacts with
their countrymen being already tired to hotels rip off pricing. When
you catch of tourist he will attract others of the same nationality.
It works like a chain reaction.
Beach bars should attract tourists by playing forró
loudly. No one can resist this great accordion and triangle
delightment. When a tourist is lured or sensibly forced to sit to a
table, he shouldn't be given the menu. No matter if he asks for it.
This way you can invent the prices according to customers face and
appearance of wealthiness. Nothing is too expensive for him. He
anyway pays at least triple amount of money at home.
Remember to create a friendly atmosphere. Call all
tourists “amigos”, smile and shake hands with them. They
feel like home right away and won't be hurrying somewhere else with
their precious money. Offer everything they are fond of, especially
Coca Cola. You should always keep it in your storage, both regular
and light. Since Coke is expensive, use old empty bottles and refill
them from bigger ones. You can even add a bit tap water to enhance
your gain.
Listen to tourists carefully and fill their needs as
well as you can. Men usually come to Brazil because of our great
prostitution scene. Co-operate with a local pimp and ask to have some
girls available in the bar all the time. A happy, payful audience is
guaranteed. The girls also profit. They can eat and drink at the cost
of fat old tourists and you can't stop the money flowing in.
Restaurants are bad for tourists because they are
known for cheating with even smallest things like playing music. You,
on the other hand get it for free from your pirate cds. Street
vendors might be also a pain in the ass when they push all kind of
crap to your customers. You can ease that up by paying them
constantly small amounts of money for getting lost. Same applies to
beggars, unless you want to organise a nice folklore show and beat
them with sticks in front of your valued customers to amuse them.
Once two scandinavian tourists got a diarrhea from
refilled coke and started to insist unopened bottles and cans. This
kind of mishaps must be avoided or you will be out of business.
Therefore, make sure that all your meat offerings are very well
burned and contain great amount of carbon. It's is known to heal
diarrhea immediately. This way you simply can't fail.
As a prostitute you provide the backbone to our money
making machine. This happens, because tourists cannot think about
anything else but sex. In barbarian Western countries they sell
condoms in such a large and expensive boxes that they can not simply
afford to have sex at home. Our biggest boxes contain only three
pieces and are dirt cheap. Also their women look like dead zombies
making our beautiful brown women with big nice asses look like
princesses. In fact, almost all of the tourists are sex tourists.
This is a unique opportunity and it drives more and more tourists to
Brazil every second.
No matter whether you are an adult or a child
prostitute, you should always ask payment in advance. Ask a lot,
because tourists have a lot of money. You can easily get over one
euro (3 reals) or even more. Just use your imagination. After you
have received the money it's time for action. Suggest the tourist to
go to his hotel. All well trained tourist hotels have naturally read
this book and passed the examination. Entering these hotels with you
leads to instant expulsion, because you are not a registered guest of
the hotel. Easy cash, right? The tourist is ashamed and goes alone to
his room. You return back to the street for the next customer with
some easy money in your pocket.
Make sure that your customer drinks too much, and try
to make him drink even more. When you do it this way there is a good
chance that he will pass out before you have to surrender yourself.
This gives you also a great opportunity to help the tourist to get
rid of the heavy burden of valuables he is carrying. Next morning
remember to tell him how excellent he was in bed. But don't forget to
mention that he was so active and did it so many times that you are
completely exhausted and cannot provide any more services before the
next evening and payment period. Otherwise he might try to approach
you again.
When you leave remember to ask for a tip. This is a
general custom in Western world and tourists are used to pay tips of
hundreds of reals. After you have received your tip tell him again
how great a lover he was. Then tell him how poor you are and that you
need money to buy food for your baby because father abandoned you.
Now it's time for getting the money for a taxi. You
can tell that you live far away from the city and taxi will cost
hundreds of reals. You can enlighten him on how dangerous it is to
travel by foot and say that you came to the city just to have great
sex with him. That should do it, you have just earned more than an
average Brasileiro in one year without actually doing anything.
For child prostitutes the best catches are white,
old, and bald men. They have the thickest wallets. It is a fact that
they travel to Brazil only for having sex with our children. In the
Western world nobody has yet found out this kind of new demand rising
and therefore there is no such services available. In our country of
high technology and advanced culture we understand the value of
making money and satisfying all needs. When you have found your own
old zombie ask first for the remuneration. That is actually all you
need to do. Then you simply grab the granny's hand and start pulling
him toward the nearest police station. While walking show him your
papers proving that you are a child, under-aged, and that he is a
criminal. After that he should give you voluntarily all his valuables
well before arriving to the police station. You can let him go, but
take his photo if you have a camera for further black mailing. Then
you can start to search for a new prey.
As an adult prostitute things are a bit more
complicated. If the tourist happens to be educated and has avoided
the earlier pitfalls we have described, then you are likely to end up
being exploited by him. However, you can still maximize your gain by
following strictly the next steps. Empty the mini bar of the hotel or
motel. Motels are generally better because they are made just for
delivering services. Drinks and food are extremely expensive there,
and the sex hungry tourist will not object. Always suggest the most
expensive motel. Do it even if he doesn't ask you. It will offer you
a great new experience. When you are still chatting with the tourist
in a bar or a restaurant you should eat and drink as much as you can.
Remember to select only the most expensive offerings, like champagne
and caviar. The tourist will naturally pay for the bill. You can also
invite your friends, relatives, husband, and children to eat. It's
free for everyone! Finally, you can earn a bigger tip if you escort
the tourist to the airport when he leaves. Stay there crying when he
checks in. He will tip you extra for sure for this pleasant maneuver.
There are very little services still available for
female tourists and most of them are spontaneous. However, the same
rules apply.
In Iracema, Fortaleza, there is the famous Bikini
bar, that co-operates with prostitutes. Once their working girls
lured a Finnish sex tourist to offer them champagne costing thousands
of euros. Unluckily the sex tourist escaped by jumping from the
balcony after seeing the bill. Better make sure this will not happen
to you!
Very few tourists speak Brazilian although it is the
only worldwide used language. As our mission is to educate tourists
to civilized manners, you must refuse to serve them in English, or in
Spanish. It's all for their best. How could they ever understand a
country's culture and habits if they don't even speak the language?
This doesn't mean that we wouldn't have work for our
skilled translators because we do need travel brochures in English.
But solely for educational purposes. Their function is to inspire
tourists to learn Brazilian. Your work as translators is nice and
easy as the translations don't need to be accurate or understandable.
Use existing English words, but build the sentences freely with
random word order. Who cares for the grammar or logic in some strange
language nobody speaks. The more complicated the text, the likelier
it is that tourists start learning Brazilian to survive here at least
somehow. Your role as educator and motivator is thus crucial.
Brazilians don't need to learn languages. It would be
a total waste of time. We don't have to travel unlike western
tourists as we live in the most beautiful and popular country of the
world. We do like American movies which are frequently shown on our
tv because all the famous actors such as Arnold Scwarzenegger and
Jack Nicholson speak native Brazilian. As we know those movies are
dubbed in other parts of the world to ignorant foreigners. In real
life even New York and Hollywood are located in Brazil as we have
heard from our tv.
Brazil has a tremendous variety of activities that
can be offered to tourists. These range from high class cultural
spectacles to individual street performances. All can be charged
equally high. In fact, tourist should never have a chance to slip
away from our grip. Even our street life offers him such a great
pleasure that he should somehow be made to pay for it. But let's
start with easiest and later move to harder ones.
Religion is a great source of money. For example in
Salvador there is exotic African heritage making it easy to charge
even for religious ceremonies. Trips to ceremonies held in near town
surroundings are offered with mere 160 reals. Tourists get a
specific, tourist-targeted performance of Candomblé. In real
life these ceremonies naturally do not exist. Because we all are
purist Catholics. You can easily make up your own religion for the
joy of tourists, and use it to make piles of money.
In the same city there are capoeira shows in the
streets which are extremely popular among tourists. Local capoeira
schools use these street shows for warming-up before actual
rehearsals. This good leg stretch and a little kicking around offers
a opportunity to earn precious money from the admiring tourists. They
perceive that Salvador is full of street actions around the year.
Whenever someone stops and looks for the practise waste no time to
approach him for getting paid. Actually any decent Brasileiro can
earn a bug by just turning his hat upside down and showing it to
tourists watching the fighters. This way anyone can be an event
organiser. Great, isn't it?
Not all of us are, or course, capoeira stars or
artists but the means of earning by performances are within
everybody's reach. You don't have to know how to sing or play guitar
to perform to tourists. You simply go to popular restaurants or beach
bars, then sing a verse or two, and start collecting money. Nothing
could be easier. It would be embarrassing for tourists not to pay you
at least something. This happens because they have to show to the
other tourists that they understand the value of your great
folklorical performance.
Carnival time is the best of the best. No other
country has such a superb spectacle to offer. The best place for
extracting tourists' money is of course Rio's Sambodromo, where the
audience pays astronomic prices to see a samba schools get-together.
This is shown in tv worldwide and it attracts thousands of new
tourists to Rio every year. Any Brasileiro can take his share of this
wonderful opportunity by organising some carnival related events. You
can sell for example pieces of paper as tickets for the carnival,
organise a ball for tourists, or just wait until they pass out after
drinking drugged caipirinha and steal their valuables. What a
wonderful world!
Congratulations! Now you only have to pass the
following examination to get your academic degree.
Tourists comes to our beautifull country
to give us their money
to be insulted
because they are stupid
If you answered 1 or 3 you have graduated,
congratulations! If you answered 2 you just earned Masters degree and
need a little bit more studing for your PhD.
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